Yard Sales and Yellow
Roses: Rituals in Enduring Relationships
Martha
and Jack’s Relationship Culture/Maintaining: In reality these days it
is hard to find a couple that have been able to maintain their relationships
whether in a friendship or marriage as well as Jack and Martha have. Of course,
it helps that they have been able to stay on the level of communications within
their 26 years of marriage. For example, during and through their courting
stages, when they first started getting to know one another, there was a physical
attraction and the enjoyment, excitement and companionship they shared that
kept them wooing. This occurred within the initiating and experimenting stages
of the two “coming together”. However, when they started acknowledging and accepting
themselves as a couple, they began to self-disclose, which allowed both to see profoundly
into one another’s beliefs and values; which happens within the intensifying
and integrating stages. The final stage of “coming together” is bonding. Jack
and Martha clearly and understandably loved what they discovered in and learned
about each other resulting in their marriage. As a couple, they adapted to their
life changes such as jobs and children. Knowing their partner has the same
values and beliefs may have brought them closer together mentally and
emotionally; they don’t always need to be together to know how they feel about
one another. However, by engaging in
activities they enjoy with one another, such as sitting on the porch swing or
their annual yard sale, they have managed to connect and bring out the positive
nature in their relationship.
Martha
and Jack’s Rituals: Yellow rose, popcorn, Jack’s belly button, a midday
text, nicknames, Mornings-fresh ground coffee, reading the paper together, porch
swing, yard sale, 93 and 96 cents.
Martha and Jack without Rituals: Without
these rituals, Martha and Jack would be missing a very essential part of their
marriage. Behind each ritual lies a story full of meaning that’s ties them both
together creating a unique bond; one that pulls them closer or as one would say
the ties that bind. If they didn’t have these, they might feel a little distant,
resulting in poor communication. Poor communication leads to misunderstandings
and misunderstandings can often lead to relationship failure.
Importance
of Rituals: Life is not measured by the number of breaths
we take but the number of moments that take our breath away. Since life is full
of many trials, the only thing that is constant is change and change occurs
within every relationship. Rituals allow you to reflect upon cherished memories
while also allowing you to anticipate to what is to come. Because we reflect
and look forward to them always being a part of our lives, it can be easier to
manage change as well as deal with loss. It provides an emotional connection
with someone that words alone cannot describe.
Martha and Jack: When someone is “on
the outside looking in”, a little thing such as a
porch swing may not seem like
a big deal, but to Martha and Jack, it brings back a feeling, a
memory, of when
they first fell in love. You could also see this from a novelty vs.
predictability standpoint. It is strange how when we love someone, the smallest
things
about them can drive us crazy, yet when those “things” are gone , we
miss them because it
just doesn’t feel right, hence absence makes the heart
grow fonder. The porch swing to
them was “food to their soul”. The porch swing
was a place where they envisioned their
future together. As their children grew
older, rituals they had once had as a family may not
take place anymore. Now the porch swing not only allows them to
reflect back and
acknowledge their trials and triumphs, fiascoes and
accomplishments as a couple, but also
allowed them to reflect on their most
cherished lifetime memories.
Laura,
ReplyDeleteI really like how you broke down Martha and Jack’s rituals and how it would be without the rituals. The part where you mentioned, “poor communication leads to misunderstandings and misunderstandings can often led to relationship failure”, I find it to be a very strong statement. I agree to it because just from personal experience, nothing gets accomplished or solve. It leads me or my partner to over think a situation and come up with conclusions of what could be going on when it reality, the situation is not really that big of a deal. It is something not worth fighting over. I enjoyed reading this case because it is like watching a movie, seeing how they have these specific sayings or objects that has so much meaning behind it but if it is to someone else, it is just a random saying or a worthless thing. The way I see those rituals or phrases that they say to one another is a reminder of how much they love each other and it reminds them of past times—which leads to a stronger bond. I hope that one day I will be able to have a story like this to tell my children and their children.
Good job on your blog!
-Jessie
Awesome Job on your analysis Laura. I enjoyed reading about the various stages in relationships (courting, self-disclosure, coming together, bonding) and is a reminder to me of how meaningful people are to us in relationships as well as the rituals and little sayings or reminders we say and do. I like how Martha and Jack use the statement "Was that 93 cents or 96 cents?" as a reminder and was meaningful to both of them as a way to gain perspective when tension and conflict was emerging. I also liked all the other rituals that you listed. You can see how Martha and Jack loved one another and kept that feeling throughout the years. The rituals and relationship secrets they shared is sweet and seem to have helped them in times of difficulty and brought them closer together.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your work on this blog! The explanation was great as well as the break down of the rituals Martha and Jack shared. I especially liked how you explained how big of an impact these rituals made on the couple. This made me think of my own family and relationships where the rituals we continue may seem like something simple to others, but for us it's an important part of our relationship. Then just like how you talked about how the rituals affected the couple, I was reminded of a time with my family when we all were debating wether or not to continue the ritual that year, and everyone was kind of quiet about their opinion until someone stood up to say they were going to continue with it. Then sure enough everyone else felt the same way and I think they secretly were also going to continue the tradition even if we all didn't do it together. But these rituals we share with loved ones is special and is what makes us close to one another.
ReplyDeleteHi Laura, you offered some beautiful sentiments in your case study that really highlight the concepts in this case study. I love how you compare the porch swing, yellow rose, midday text and early morning fresh ground coffee as "those moments that take your breath away." I agree, it's the little things in a relationship that we remember the most. For me and my boyfriend it is having coffee early in the morning and having a slow dance in the kitchen to a country song on the radio, the midday text and finally "what's for dinner at the end of a day" and of course our summer camping trips at the lake and cooking on the fire, sleeping in cramped quarters in his rickety old tiny camper.
ReplyDeleteI also love that you mentioned that rituals are "food for your soul" which is very true, we all need those moments that bond us closer together. For Martha and Jack, their rituals have given then endurance in their marriage because they understand each other's habits, idiosyncracies, and especially that they have a "code" that reminds them of how something is not worth fighting over.
I agree that Martha and Jack's rituals have helped them to manage change and deal with loss. When I was younger it was so hard for me to deal with change, but when I kept having to adjust to "new normals" all the time I became conditioned to make the best of it. Martha and Jack's kids have moved on but they have learned to hold on to the memories and make the best of what they have, the porch swing, yard sales and having each other.
Excellent job, and thanks for sharing! :)
Vicky Gonzales